The Invisible Library

In a recent post I characterized all the Republican candidates as evil, belligerent Jesus freaks. I realized that this is a wide category and surely has some nuance to it. So, I’ve decided to clarify as to exactly why all of these people would be not just bad presidents but are in fact loathsome human beings in general. Here is why I won’t be voting for…

Fred Thompson
Is there now or has there ever been a lazier presidential candidate? He’s said nothing of substance, ever and is so lazy, admits to a reporter that he hardly ever goes to church and considers religion important but, you know, not that important but still go ahead and vote for me because, well, I’ve always wanted to take a nap in the oval office. So, I won’t be voting for Freddy because he isn’t, in fact, a belligerent Jesus freak, but would just like to use the power and gain the support of people who are. That and he’s super duper lazy. His half-assed attempt at running for president will go down as one of the political blunders of the early 21st century. Right after George W. Bush being elected, twice. That and he was one of Nixon’s boys and stuck by the old fart even after everyone else jumped ship. Gee, more Nixon cronies in the White House? Sign me up!

Rudy Giuliani
You know how Bush said he wanted to be Dictator and then spent the last seven years mangling the constitution (and our hopes and dreams) by trying his best to become one? Well, he failed, as George W. Bush fails in everything he attempts. But just barely. Rudy on the other hand is just the man to pick up George’s football, dropped at the ten yard line, and carry it into the end zone, where he will promptly have it shot for Unamerican Behavior and then decide to put his Anti-football command center inside of it. Jimmy Breslin called Giuliani “a small man looking for a balcony” (quote via Making Light) which is as apt a summation of the man as there ever will be. He loves opera and stages “funny” and “humanizing” moments with his “wife,” or whichever prostitute he’s banging at the moment, in a psychotic imitation of how chemically balanced humans behave. Giuliani is wearing Mussolini’s pants but thinks they are slimming and fancy because, hay, they’re Italian! If he became president, he’d spend his first term writing the world’s bloodiest opera and his second forcing everyone in the world to play in it.

Mitt Romney
I’m going to admit something: I don’t like Mitt and it’s mostly because he’s a Mormon. I normally don’t hold a person’s religious beliefs against them; most people are decent folk, just trying to get by and are handicapped by the tribal world view impose don them at birth by well meaning but ill advised parents. All religions are mostly comprised of unverifiable truth claims, lunatic bronze age myths and a smattering of common sense moralism taken to dizzying heights of self righteousness. But most religions have the mitigating benefit of hundreds or thousands of years of tradition and history on their side, plus their dwindling influence in the face of an ever increasingly secular culture pretty much makes them toothless, other than a handful of fundamentalists, frustrated that their ravings are no longer taken as 100% credible. But The Church of LDS is different. Mormons have only been around a century and a half and we have the documents to prove that Joseph Smith just made it all up, probably while drunk and on a bet.* So, Mitt knows his religion is full of shit and not only doesn’t think that this is a hindrance to his being elected President but counts it as one of his selling points. We’ve already seen what seven years of letting a delusional kook who pays lip service to religious ideals that should have been kicked to the curb centuries ago, run the country. You want to go for four to eight more years with one who also wears magic underwear and thinks Indians are one of the lost Hebrew tribes?

John McCain
Remember when John McCain was a principled Fiscal Conservative who just happened to be a decorated Vietnam Vet who experienced the hardhsip and tragedy of torture in a POW camp? Then he went and adopted a black baby, or so George W. told us and the ensuing racist hate mongering against him by his own party drove him fucking nuts. Now, he’s sold his soul to a Party that treats vets like shit and thinks torture is fun. He travels around to various religious colleges doing mental gymnastics for breadcrumbs and week applause. He could have been the Anti-Lieberman, and switched sides and wouldn’t have had to change most of his platform, what with most Democrats emulating Conservatives nowadays. too late for that. When he looses this time, he’ll either go into PTSD flashback mode and shoot everyone or retire quietly to his summer home to drown himself slowly in booze. Thanks for all the years of service, John!

Duncan Hunter
Duncan who? I thought he made cakes? No wait, that’s Duncan Hines. Duncan Hunter is a nobody who has tied up the all important Anne Coulter vote. Also, he has a strong following on freerepublic(dot)com. These are his selling points, people!

Mike Huckabee
Your run of the mill GOPer who also happens to be a Baptist Minister. Separation of Church and Who? Never heard of it. Hay, know what’s ironic about a Christian Preacher who supports torture? Nothing!

Ron Paul
See this post for the ongoing saga of why Ron Paul is a crazy son of a bitch and/or Dickensian villain. If Charles Dickens had been a Texan and not altogether that imaginative. On the plus side, he is the only presidential candidate in the history of the US who has his very own blimp. Wonder why no one else thought of that? David Neiwert has more info, in case you want to see what a Nineteenth Century Nativist in the 21st Century looks like up close and personal.

Tom Tancredo
Tommy hates Mexicans, except for when they are building his rec room. I guess that wall along the boarder he wants to build will have a secret entrance, but only for undocumented day laborers and it will be cunningly concealed under a table. Did I mention he hates Mexicans? Did I mention I’m married to a Hispanic woman? Did I mention Tom Tancredo can go fuck himself sideways with a baseball bat?

Now, it’s obvious that I’m no Republican. Never have been and never will be. So my vote was lost to the Gang Of Perverts long ago. But this illustrates in one handy place why these creeps are so vile and hateful that they shouldn’t be aloud anywhere near an elected office, even though most already have been. Of course, if you do vote for one or more of these dipshits, I can only assume you approve of them and their hateful, racist and anti-democratic ideas. Also, that you like to molest children, torture animals and cheat on your spouse with meth-adled gay hookers.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007 at 9:44 pm and is filed under Rant, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.