I Swear To God, I Wish I Had Some Lions

So, today the United States House of Representatives passed a resolution declaring Christmas and Christians important. Now, one would think, in a nation that is 70% Christian, where there’s a church on every other fucking street corner, this would be superfluous. Guess not. If the 12% of us Agnostics and Atheists scare American Christians that much, simply by our desire to sleep in on Sunday mornings, than your religion isn’t worth shit. Apparently, the very knowledge that some people, maybe living next door or down the street (or in your own house, even!) don’t believe in the same imaginary friend really spooks True Believers. But it’s not persecution. I live in a state that still has Blue Laws. I can’t buy a bottle of wine on Sundays to go with my dinner, like any civilized European or Northerner, yet you’re the one whose oppressed?

here’s a short but incomplete list of things that are acts of oppression:

  • Burned at the stake
  • Crushed under a giant rock
  • Stretched on a wheel
  • Hanged by an irate mob
  • Shot by arrows
  • Mauled by lions
  • Gassed by Nazis
  • Dunked in a river until drowned
  • Pulled behind some red neck’s pickup truck
  • Shot execution style in the back of the head
  • Forced to flee your homeland and live as a wondering expatriate
  • Sodomized by a red hot iron pear that expands when cranked, soldering your bowels
  • Had molten gold poured down your throat
  • Forced to barricade yourself in a mountain top fortress and jump to your death off the side of a cliff
  • Forcefully converted to a system of belief not of your choosing upon penalty of death or any of the above

and a list of things that are not oppression:

  • Declining your religious tracts
  • My failure to appear in Church when you think I should
  • Changing the subject when politics or religion comes up at the dinner table
  • Disagreeing about the nature and origin of life on Earth
  • Accepting homosexuals as equals
  • Immigrating to your country in search of a better life
  • Mentioning the existence of France
  • Failing to say Grace before dinner
  • Wanting science taught in science class
  • Insisting on being treated as an equal despite having a different belief system than the majority
  • Saying Happy Holidays

If you have experienced one or more From List A, you might be an oppressed minority and/or religious martyr. Until then, you’re just a spoiled, whiny cunt who thinks your beliefs are special and should be treated like a princess. They aren’t and you aren’t. Your beliefs do not exempt you from participating in civilization with the rest of us unwashed heathens. If List B sounds like something you’ve done in the last fortnight, welcome to the club my fellow unbelievers. Let the eye rolling and heavy sighs commence.

I hereby pass a resolution that American Christians are faithless doubters, scared that their silly religion doesn’t mean anything and they are just going through the motions in a vain attempt to stave off the inevitable existential crisis facing their own empty lives would create. Let’s call it the Get the Fuck Over Yourselves Resolution.

Link via John Rogers.