A 500 Lb. Gorilla, Wearing a Tutu and Marilyn Monroe Wig

OK, Palestine and Israel, we need to have a talk. I know you guys hate each others guts. It’s understandable, I’m not fond of you two, either. But you’ve managed to drag the US into your petty squabble over a worthless piece of dirt. It’s not even dirt with anything of real value on it, just some place both of you think, maybe, along time ago, some magical dude got bonked on the head by an invisible man and started gibbering like a crack fiend. And because neither of your ancestors were savvy enough to realize each of these “Holy Men” belonged in a mental hospital, you started fighting each other over whose fairy tale was better. And the rest of us care… for some reason.[1]

Now I know, Israel is our “special” friend, even though we get nothing out of the deal except hummus and olive oil. I mean sure, it’s pretty good olive oil but we gave you the Bomb for it. And since then, all you do is come bitching to us every time the Palestinians get uppity over you trying to steal their land and marginalize their role in regional politics. Can’t imagine why they’re pissed off about that.

And the Palestinians are a bunch of nogoodnicks, sure. They elected a terrorist organization as their main party! Hamas is soooo evil, their party slogan is “Death to Israel!” Which is mean. But let’s keep things in perspective. Their state is about the size of Detroit (and not really a state), plus their army is made up exclusively of pissed off clerics and men who think they can’t get laid until after they die. Yes, I know, suicide bombers and rockets, oh my. But the thing is — and this is key, so pay attention — no matter how much shit Hamas talks, they can’t actually bring about the death of Israel. So you Israelis are really overreacting to them overreacting to you steeling their fucking land because it says you have a right to in a book of poetry you wrote.

Can you see why the world is in no big hurry to pick a side in this semi-annual pig fucking contest of yours? Except for the US, for some screwed up reason.[2] Every 18 months or so, the two of you start blowing each other up for pointless reasons.

Our foreign policy is so lopsided, with the pure and righteous Israelis on the good side and those evil dirty Hamas motherfuckers on the bad, that no one who could do anything to solve this mess will. Because to do so, they’d have to admit that Israel is wrong, too.

And that’s the gorilla in the room wearing the tutu and Marilyn Monroe wig that no one wants to talk about: while Hamas’ slogan is “Death to Israel!” Israel’s slogan is “Death to Palistine!” And you can’t solve a conflict that neither side wants to end.

Eventually, even the US is going to get tired of it and stop paying attention.[3] And you know what happens when the US stops paying attention to something? It just goes away. Poof! Like it never existed. Oh sure, you two will be there blowing each other up one inch of sand at a time, but no one will care. And then one day, someone on one side or the other will set of a nuke in Gaza and there will be nothing left for you two to fight over but glass and poison. Which probably won’t stop you even then.

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1. The US cares about Israel due to either: A) the belief that the ghost of some magical carpenter wants these people to stay alive just long enough for him to show up and kill them all himself. Or B) because… well, mostly because we don’t want to seem antisemitic towards Israel. Except that reason A is just antisemitism extrapolated into a mythological dimension and sugar coated with the toxic goo of our foreign policy apparatus. So, yeah. Go Israel?

2. See footnote 1.

3. Now that Joe the not-Really-a-Plumber-but-I-play-one-in-a-political-campaign is headed over there as a war correspondent for some shit hole conservative wank site, I think that time is near at hand. Seriously, if that’s the level of aid and good will the US can muster, we’re just about done with this whole thing. So, enjoy your time in the Middle East there, Joe! Don’t forget your flack jacket. Or do. We really don’t care about you either.

2 thoughts on “A 500 Lb. Gorilla, Wearing a Tutu and Marilyn Monroe Wig”

  1. This was awesome. I made the mistake of venting my displeasure over the loss of life over there on Myspace and got super lectured for my concern…

  2. Which is what I don’t get. It’s apparently inhumane to express general concern for dead humans on both sides of this conflict, as if there’s only so much empathy to go around and we’re not supposed to spend any on Palestinians, that only Israelis deserve our heartfelt sympathies. And our idiot plumbers.

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