I know I Am But What Are You?

So, the aide to Rep Coburn (R- Flatland) stands up in front of a group of yahoos at the Values Voter Summit (a sort of swap meet for creationists and Birthers) and tells them that, “All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

The argument, as near as I can translate it from crazy talk, is that porn makes you feel all tingly in your naughty parts and then you touch yourself and since it’s you touching the same sex (being yo) your gay! Hay, presto. I’ll just let Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz tell it:

Schwartz then explained the side benefit of this finding—that if boys know pornography will make them gay, they’ll never touch it, taking advantage of what Schwartz sees as a natural homophobia. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy?” he said. “I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!”

Let that little knot of pretzel logic just unwind itself for a few moments. Because, for those of us still clinging to a thin sliver of sanity, there’s only one way to read this statement: that Schwartz is living inside the most transparent of closets. How do we know his? Because he’s a Republican. They only get this vocal about their pet subjects when they get under their skin. Ranting about the pure and righteous homophobia of 11 year old boys is just him trying really, really hard to keep that closet door shut good and tight.

Come 2012, the Republican platform will consist soley of saying, “I know you are but what am I?!”over and over.