Yeah, my first drafts tend to be of the too much information variety. I usually dial back the unnecessary details when editing, as I find ways to either illustrate those facts or just relaize how unimportant they are.

Laura/Larem Ipsum does get explained later on and there’s a definite reason that she has a placeholder name, (other then that it’s symbolic). That is one detail I know Ill be getting into later so I didn’t drop it right up front. It’s odd how the first draft is a mixture of planned and unplanned details running into one another. But that’s what makes it fun!

Thanks for sharing your NaNoWriMo 1st chapter. I personally find a huge value in reading author’s first drafts and yours is no exception. I’m not going to get into silly grammar things because you will undoubtedly clean up anything in that area in further drafts.

Overall, I liked the story quite a bit and I’m drawn in to both your MC and your first conflict. That’s a great thing. All too often this falls short so it’s great to read something like this – very refreshing.

Critisism: I don’t think the back story of Anna’s sons is necessary and all the character names up front made me question which ones I should care about now -vs- which ones I could drop. Unless they are important immediately, I’d try to work the backstory in as dialog later on down the road. Maybe over one of her weekend dinners that she has with her boarders. I can imagine a scene where the sweet Mrs. Pavlovna tells Simon and Lilly about her scatter family while dishing up home cooked food – it could be really nice.

Another suggestion, don’t tell us that Simon finds Lilly attractive, show us. This is a great opportunity to build Simon’s character. I’m sure you will find the right way to do this.

I loved the details of the street while he is running off to meet with Doc Carter. The Jack-o’lanterns on the porches are such a nice touch. It really set the mood.

Doctor Ipsum is really interesting. The name made me thing of Lorem Ipsum – the dummy text, I don’t know if this was your intent and if so I’m curios to see how you use it. If not, don’t worry, but the second time I read her name the impression was gone, just a side note. She is a compelling character to say the least. I’m really interested to see what happens next with her – very cool character.

Overall, I liked your start. The conflict of the changing path of the comet is really nice. Thanks for putting it up and I look forward to reading more.

best of luck-
dust