In honor of George Lucus picking your pocket again releasing the Star Wars films on Blue Ray, I thought I’d reprint this old essay, where I took the liberty of re-plotting the Star Wars prequels so they didn’t suck. I wrote this originally back in 2003. It’s geeky as hell and still pretty much holds up, eight years later (keep this in mind when you get to my summary of Episode III, because Revenge of the Sith hadn’t even begun shooting yet).
As someone who grew up watching the Original Star Wars Trilogy (I triple underline the word Original, lest you think I’m referring to that lifeless mess Lucas passes off these days, the Special Edition [edit 2011: Let’s go ahead and add a few more underscores there for the newly revised, super extra special Blue Ray editions. Crap, this guy just wont quit.]) I can’t help but feel a little let down by the prequels. While I realize this is a waste of time, here’s how I would have plotted the story, fixing all the holes and characterization. These are merely suggestions of course. I don’t expect anyone to agree with all my changes or any of them. I fully realize that to some I’m tampering with scripture. So put a fatwa on my head and call me Salmon. I simply offer these ideas as an alternative text, maybe one that a filmmaker, fifty years from now will consider when remaking the Star Wars films (hopefully taking a cue from Peter Jackson). Continue reading “The Wars That Never Was”