Bang, Zoom, To the Moon!

While flouncing around Florida, lying his ass off to elderly people trying to scam their votes, Newt Gingrich announced that he’d like to build a moon base by 2020. This naturally got some attention. A lot of people — especially liberal-minded folk — felt conflicted. Here’s Newt, king of of the GOP slime balls, promoting a good idea, one that Obama wouldn’t touch with a ten foot cattle prod. WTF?

Relax, my fellow week kneed liberals. This is Newt we’re talking about here. He’s either disingenuous or not showing all his cards. As a general rule, if a Republican has a good idea, it’s almost always for the wrong reason (see: tax cuts, but only for the rich).
If a Republican promotes what sounds like a good idea, just ask yourself, “What is the worst possible way this good idea could be implemented, twisting it into a hellish nightmare of bureaucratic entitlement and possibly used as a weapon against foreign brown people with oil reserves unde their asses?”

Newt’s moon base would be an American-only military complex for the purpose of weaponizing space, intimidating the world and leveraging our already overextended military power to coerce other nations into doing our bidding. He doesn’t want to build an international research station, he wants his own personal Death Star.

And as Neil Degrasse-Tyson pointed out, it ain’t gonna happen, not by 2020 or any other time in the near future.

A moon base would be great. Think of the scientific discoveries and problems we culd solve, working together as a united humanity? hat’s what a Moon base would be great at. Just not right now. Let’s sort out this whole Global Economic melt down thing before we start colonizing space. Maybe by then, our leaders won’t be egomaniacs looking for an excuse to nuke Middle Eastern countries from orbit.

Snubbing the Muppets

I’m trying to remember the last time the Oscar nominations were so boring but just can’t find it. I knew it was a long shot to expect the Muppets to get a Best Picture nod (even though it was far and away the best movie of 2011) but not even for Best Original Screenplay?  I suppose Best Original Song will have to do, but it deserves so much more than that.

Looking over the list, you realize just what a slow year it was for movies. My Week With Marilyn was tailor made for the Oscars because there’s nothing Hollywood likes more than its own mythology but can we please get over Marilyn Munroe? She’s been dead for fifty years and wasn’t even that great an actress. And while I enjoyed Midnight in Paris, any year in which Woody Allen’s 835th movie gets four nominations is slow, by any measure.

Though I will not that this is the first year in a long time that Pixar hasn’t been nominated. I’m sure that will change next year.

The World of the Angrazi Raj

The Peshawar LancersThe Peshawar Lancers by S.M. Stirling

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Starting with an intriguing alternate history premise (a comet impact in the 19th century instigates the British empire to relocate to the Raj. By 2030, this Indian-English empire is the seat of world power) Sterling has created a fascinating commentary on culture and assimilation, both how invading cultures assimilate the locals and vice versa.

But all of that is subtext. The real meat of the story is an old fashioned swashbuckling adventure tale, with able swordsmen, ruthless villains, cutthroats, camels and zeppelins. What more could you ask for?

View all my reviews

And the Winner of the, “Dumbest Thing Said on the Internet Ever” Award Goes To…

Dr. Keith Ablow, for his OpEd, “Newt Gingrich’s three marriages mean he might make a strong president — really”

O RLY?

Really!

Former Speaker of the House and Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich was attacked Thursday in an interview on ABC News by his second wife Marianne. She accused him of beginning an affair with his current wife Callista while Marianne and he were still married (which Mr. Gingrich admits). She also accused him of lobbying her for an open marriage that would allow him to continue seeing Callista without getting divorced (a claim Gingrich denies).
Well, in any case, no open marriage was in the offing, and the Speaker married his current and third wife.
As I have written before for Fox News Opinion, I don’t think voters belong in a candidate’s bedroom. But the media can’t seem to help itself from trying to castrate candidates for the prurient pleasure of the public.

Keep in mind, MoFo is talking about Newt “Prosecuted Impeachment Proceedings Against Bill Clinton For Doing Exactly The Same Fucking Thing” Gingrich. And by “Doing Exactly The Same Fucking Thing” I mean being a douchebag on top of being a philandering dickwad, by asking his wife for an open marriage so he could have some Strange on the side. Which you’ll note, Bill Clinton never did. So he’s actually a worse husband thn Bill Clinton by several fucking miles.

So. Now that we’re up to speed on that, here’s this:

I will tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s personal history actually means for those of us who want to right the economy, see our neighbors and friends go back to work, promote freedom here and abroad and defeat the growing threat posed by Iran and other evil regimes.

It’s funny how Conservatives hate Iran so much but want to make the US exactly like it. The only difference is they want women in the US to wear prairie dresses instead of burqas like there’s any difference. Both say,”I can’t deal with women as sexual equals and so instead will force them to cosplay like it’s still the 19th century.” Ironically, Newt would have gotten his open marriage and his three wives had he actually moved to Iran and converted to Islam. Apparently they dig that shit over there.

And nothing says champion of the diplomatic process like referring to a sovereign nation as an evil regime. I bet they’re just dying to have us over for cocktail wienies and diet soda.

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion:

“The fault lies not in the stars but in the laps of these bitches, who just had to break off a piece of that Newton Leroy Gingrich.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the subtext. Also, Newt Gingrich was never told “No!” enough as a child and so grew up to be a spoiled, insulated twat who thinks he’s entitled to treat other people like shit and be rewarded for it by becoming Emperor of the World.

In Conclusion: Vote Newt in ’12!

GOP Primary Freakshow and Con Artist Convention, 2012

I’ve been trying hard not to follow the GOP primaries because it’s impolite to gawk at disabled people, even if they are spilling juice all over themselves as they wrestle with their seat belts and safety helmets. In a sane society, these dingbats wouldn’t be allowed to walk across the road unattended but here they are, putting on their pageant to see which one will run for freakin’ president of the USA.

The thing that really gets me is the artifice of it all. Romney is going to win the nomination because he’ the only one of the bunch who can tie his own shoelaces (sorry John Huntsman, you are simply too sane for this crowd. Drop a D after your name and run in ’16, then we’ll talk). And everyone knows this. Not just the media and the establishment and you and me and your creepy uncle in Alabama. Newt, Paul and Santorum all knew this going in and yet you can see how bad it irks them.

Especially Newt, who always dreamed one day he’d get to cosplay as General Patton, or settling for second place, Grant. Instead, he’s going to go down in whooping flame out like Custer.

Santorum has what can only be described as Post-Traumatic Tourettes. Having failed to come to terms with the fact that he was reduced to a dirty joke (by a queer, no less!) he’s just showing up to shout in Tongues at people. When that fails to win him fans, he quotes scripture and starts scolding people. He knows what we like. Dirty talk!

It’s hard sometimes to remember Rick Perry is actually running. I think he forgets sometimes, too.

Between his racism, his half-assed denial of being racist, his obsession with the gold Standard and hiding his real true Republican credentials behind a byzantine smoke screen of “States Rights” Ron Paul is a shark tank away from becoming a Bond Villain. It’s weird that disgruntled liberals take his Civil Rights talk at face value. You’d laugh if Obama said things things, and we all drank ourselves silly when Bush mentioned the world liberty, but sure, Ron Paul will end the wars in Iraq, and legalize pot. Except, not really. The man still wants to outlaw abortion, just not at the un-libertian and therefore evil federal level, but just casually in every state, like a true defender of personal freedoms would. Paul cosponsored the Letter of Marque and Reprisal Act of 2007, which would authorize the President and Congress to set bounties on foreign nationals, bounties that could be then collected by private security firms like Blackwater/Xi/Academi/whatever their name is this week. Because, you know, he’s anti-war.

Since it will be a cold day in Hell before I ever vote Republican, I watch this flaming clown car full of fools with much enjoyment. But it’s really just Schadenfreude pie. I know Obama is no prize and on several fronts has been a downright disappointment. But at least Obama and the Democrats are only slowly and reluctantly destroying the country, rather than doing so with the apocalyptic enthusiasm of the GOP’s line up of nihilistic cretins.

Bruce Sterling Will Now Tell Your Fortune

If yo aren’t already, go read Bruce Sterling’s annual new years future cast, State of the World 2012. A taste:

FUTURE CHANGE AS SEEN BY THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA

1. Continue trend of seize the planet’s physical means of production
by underpricing everyone else, and enduring the pollution and harsh
labor conditions. To back off now after such grand, demonstrable
success would be stupid.

2. Engineer new Chinese material infrastructures of all kinds;
highways, power grids, urban real estate, moon shots, supercomputers,
genetics labs, chip fabs, fab labs, you name it. Offer to build some
for client states, too.

3. Reverse annoying trends in “international law,” because that’s
actually Western hegemony.

4. Accelerate collapse of “intellectual property” because it’s
actually rentier feudalism.

5. Defeat “international finance” because it’s crazy, it doesn’t work,
and it deprives state regimes of command over their economies.

As always, thoughtful and fun read. And it’s going on all week!

Links for the New Year

More fun stuff, from the Internet to my brain, shared for your general edification.

>MythPunk:

…refers to “a subgenre of mythic fiction” in which classical folklore and faerie tales get hyperpoetic postmodern makeovers. Coined by author Catherynne M. Valente, the term describes a brand of speculative fiction which starts in folklore and myth and adds elements of postmodern fantastic techniques: urban fantasy, confessional poetry, non-linear storytelling, linguistic calisthenics, worldbuilding, and academic fantasy.Characterized by baroque multicultural fashion, alternative/ queer sexuality, bizarre retellings of familiar faerie tales, pervasive anxiety, fear of inevitable change, elaborate symbolism and radical reinterpretation, mythpunk is a cross-media movement. Although largely defined through literary works like Andrea Jones’s Hook & Jill, Francesca Lia Block’s Weetzie Bat series and Catherynne Valente’s The Orphans Tales, the mythpunk aesthetic occasionally manifests in music (The Decemberists), film (Pan’s Labyrinth), jewelry and other media forms.

> You may not have heard the term globster before, but you definitely have heard about them. They’re those weird, unidentifiable dead creatures that occasionally  wash ashore. Like the Montauk Monster or Ogopogo. If Ogopogo were a zombie plesiosaur.

> Rudy Rucker spent the holidays over at Charlie Stross’ blog blowing everybody’s mind.

>And I think i want one of these for the morning commute.