GOP Primary Freakshow and Con Artist Convention, 2012

I’ve been trying hard not to follow the GOP primaries because it’s impolite to gawk at disabled people, even if they are spilling juice all over themselves as they wrestle with their seat belts and safety helmets. In a sane society, these dingbats wouldn’t be allowed to walk across the road unattended but here they are, putting on their pageant to see which one will run for freakin’ president of the USA.

The thing that really gets me is the artifice of it all. Romney is going to win the nomination because he’ the only one of the bunch who can tie his own shoelaces (sorry John Huntsman, you are simply too sane for this crowd. Drop a D after your name and run in ’16, then we’ll talk). And everyone knows this. Not just the media and the establishment and you and me and your creepy uncle in Alabama. Newt, Paul and Santorum all knew this going in and yet you can see how bad it irks them.

Especially Newt, who always dreamed one day he’d get to cosplay as General Patton, or settling for second place, Grant. Instead, he’s going to go down in whooping flame out like Custer.

Santorum has what can only be described as Post-Traumatic Tourettes. Having failed to come to terms with the fact that he was reduced to a dirty joke (by a queer, no less!) he’s just showing up to shout in Tongues at people. When that fails to win him fans, he quotes scripture and starts scolding people. He knows what we like. Dirty talk!

It’s hard sometimes to remember Rick Perry is actually running. I think he forgets sometimes, too.

Between his racism, his half-assed denial of being racist, his obsession with the gold Standard and hiding his real true Republican credentials behind a byzantine smoke screen of “States Rights” Ron Paul is a shark tank away from becoming a Bond Villain. It’s weird that disgruntled liberals take his Civil Rights talk at face value. You’d laugh if Obama said things things, and we all drank ourselves silly when Bush mentioned the world liberty, but sure, Ron Paul will end the wars in Iraq, and legalize pot. Except, not really. The man still wants to outlaw abortion, just not at the un-libertian and therefore evil federal level, but just casually in every state, like a true defender of personal freedoms would. Paul cosponsored the Letter of Marque and Reprisal Act of 2007, which would authorize the President and Congress to set bounties on foreign nationals, bounties that could be then collected by private security firms like Blackwater/Xi/Academi/whatever their name is this week. Because, you know, he’s anti-war.

Since it will be a cold day in Hell before I ever vote Republican, I watch this flaming clown car full of fools with much enjoyment. But it’s really just Schadenfreude pie. I know Obama is no prize and on several fronts has been a downright disappointment. But at least Obama and the Democrats are only slowly and reluctantly destroying the country, rather than doing so with the apocalyptic enthusiasm of the GOP’s line up of nihilistic cretins.