The Colonial Offspring Theory of International Relations

I was reminded me of an observation I had recently, that the colonial offspring of Great Britain are like poorly raised children.

You have Canada, the good natured quiet child, who grew up to be a productive member of society, with a steady job and colorful hobbies that it pursues in it’s well-managed spare time. The only bad thing to say about Canada is that it has a rocky relationship with its angry gay son, Quebec. Also, it lets it’s siblings take advantage of it, especially America.

Australia is the neglected middle child. Extremely creative and rebellious in its youth, it’s trying to pull its life together and sort out its issues. It means well but it’s troubled past and a stubborn streak often gets in the way of progress. Will eventually sober up and get its shit together, but not for lack of America constantly trying to tempt it into ill-advised quasi-criminal situations with the promise of making a fast buck and having a good time.

New Zeland is Australia’s much-ignored twin. It ran off to become a sheep farmer and is unregarded by the rest of the family. Secretly, it is thankful for this.

America was the favored son, and it took advantage of this privilege for all it’s worth, becoming famous as a child prodigy. Having squandered much of that youthful potential, America has grown up into a drunken lout with a violent streak. It’s widely known to have recently knocked over several gas stations to pay for its drug habit, but knows it will never be arrested because of who its’ parents are, and its extensive gun collection. Has several ill-regarded and much ignored colonial offspring of its own, in the form of a half dozen protectorates acquired from numerous ill-advised imperialist relationships with neighboring developing nations, whom it treats shabbily, if it acknowledges the past relationship at all. Will either self-imolate in a spectacular orgy of drug-fueled violence, or recover after a reluctant international community stages an intervention and a court-mandated 12 step program that will most likely turn it into one of those insufferable Jesus freaks.

India became an emancipated minor and despite concerns, has done a lot of growing up recently, after it spent a few years running away to itself to explore its spiritual side. This has made it vulnerable to exploitation by America, but it knows when to keep it’s distance. Has a lot of big plans for the future and is working with a lot of creative, influential friends and relations to make its dreams come true. look for big things from India.

Hong Kong was the unplanned, late-life surprise baby that was unwanted. Though mostly ignored by its siblings, it can take care of itself, having grown up around China all these years.

At the next reunion, Great Britain will be politely conciliatory, ingratiating, and indulgent but will still fawn over America and mostly ignore everyone else. Still it will try and get a fiver out of Canada, and succeed.