Archive for the ‘News’ Category

A Guide For the Perplexed

Thursday, February 1st, 2007

Or people in Boston, which may just be the same thing. Since some people in your town can’t tell the difference between a bomb and a cartoon character, here’s a little guide to help you through the chaos:

Not a Bomb

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Bomb!

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Bomb! Wait! Fooled ya. He just looks like a bomb. Not an explosive device!

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Bomb!

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NOT A BOMB!

In real life, bombs do not look like bombs. They look like plain packages or unobtrusive things. Trash. Boxes. Sometimes shoes (but only once and never since). Or nothing at all because they are hidden inside other things that are innocuous, like cars or plastic bags or chijuajuas. They do not tick. They do not blink.

Bombs are not used as part of a multi-million dollar marketing plan for a movie, even one directed by Michael Bay. They are dropped on people, usually civilians, form a great height, or strapped to the chest of fourteen year olds who still believe in fairy tales. They are stuffed inside soda cans and thrown through windows or mailed to celebrities by a recluse living in a shack in Montana.

Bombs do not ever look like cartoon characters that give you the finger, which you deserve for being so fucking daft that you shut down a whole frickin’ city because the government has you so shit scared that some religious fanatic living in a cave in some lawless zone in Pakistan, using his hand as toilet paper, is going to somehow deliver a state of the art improvised explosive device to the underside of a bridge in the greater Boston metropolitan area.

And even if they could, it wouldn’t light up!

But hay, at least it distracted us all from that war with Iran that Bush is starting.

One Nation, Under Clinton or Bush, For Ever and Ever

Sunday, January 21st, 2007
Hillary Clinton has announced she’s running for president and after some further thought on the matter, I take back what I said earlier. She has way more money than everyone else, and as we all know, the one with the most money and connections, wins.
By the time C Plus Augustus finishes his term next year, there will have been either a Clinton or a Bush in the White house for the last 20 years. If Chelsea and Barb got gay married, they could set up an actual dynasty (albeit, one that requires sperm donors). While this doesn’t violate the constitution, it just smells funny.
I hope someone in the Dem Caucus realises this and points it out, because spending another two decades shuffling the occupant of the white house between two families, both alike in continence, is just way too fucking Sun King for me to handle without medication, booze or both.

I’m Time’s Person of the Year!

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

As I’m sure you all know by now, I’m Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. This was a huge surprise as I didn’t even knew I was in the running. Hell, I didn’t even know anyone at Time read the blog. Just goes to show that the mainstream media isn’t quite as daft as we think it is, or as it has often proven itself to be, repeatedly. Over and Over.

But, after singlehandedly swaying the election through my powerful net-roots activism, it was pretty hard to miss me. And I’m sure my LibraryThing page had a lot to do with swaying the decision in my favor, too.

Not to worry though, I won’t forget my faithful readers reader as my meteoric rise to fame and fortune make me a big time shaker in whatever the hell it is I do with this blog. As we all know, cat pictures have a startling array of effects on the world stage, from economics to geopolitics, cat pictures, snarky reviews of movies and anti-religious rants will surely win the hearts and minds of all those who wish to do us ill.

With my help, I’m sure we will use the power of this mighty series of tubes to change the world for the better.

At te very least, we’ll have something to look at until the world ends.

Love Child

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Mary Cheney’s baby finds a strange defender in the form of Dan Savage:

it feels strange to rush to the defense of Mary Cheney, the useless dyke daughter of our malevolent vice president. But I knew I had to speak up after Janice Crouse of Concerned Women For America called Cheney’s pregnancy “unconscionable.” A few thoughts for you, Janice:

First, because Christianists like you can’t come out and say they oppose Cheney’s pregnancy because it says right there in Leviticus that Mary Cheney should be put to death (along with all adulterers, rebellious slaves, and lobstermen), they’re condemning Cheney for creating a “fatherless” child, a child that will have no masculine role models. Have you gotten a good look at Heather Poe, Mary Cheney’s partner of 15 years? My son has two fathers, but Heather Poe’s left labial lip is butcher than both of us put together. Even if Mary and Heather planned on raising their child on a deserted island somewhere, their kid wouldn’t want for masculine role models. And if things get too girly at Mary and Heather’s place, Grandpa Dick can always take the kid hunting.

Second, fathers are great—my son couldn’t agree more, Janice. And guess what? A lesbian couple can’t have a child without one. For all we know, Mary and Heather, like so many other lesbian couples, used a known gay male sperm donor—Ken Mehlman? Mark Foley? Ted Haggard?—and this kid is going to have a father in his life.

Third, Concerned Women For America doesn’t think Mary Cheney should have a baby. Great, fine, whatever. But Mary Cheney’s uterus belongs to Mary Cheney, Janice, and she can do whatever the fuck she likes with it. She can have babies with it or keep her car keys in it or fill it up with potting soil and plant tulips in it. It’s her fucking uterus, Janice, not yours. And if you keep inserting yourself into it, people are gonna think you’re a dyke too, or Heather Poe is going to show up on your doorstep and beat the holy living hell out of you.

Fourth, Concerned Women For America and the Christian Coalition and Mitt Romney and Pat Robertson have all made it clear that they think it’s wrong for lesbians to have children. Would someone in the media please ask them the obvious follow-up question: How the fuck do they propose to stop lesbians from having children? Post two members of the National Guard at the entrance to every lesbian vagina in the country? Forced sterilizations at women’s music festivals? Mandatory abortions for every lesbian who does manage to get herself pregnant?

Fifth, up in Canada—sane, sane Canada—a bill to reopen, and possibly reverse, the decision to legalize gay marriage failed by a wide margin in Parliament Thursday, December 7.

Is There A Draft In Here?

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Senator Headuphisass thinks that reinstating the draft will stop the Republicans from waging any more illegal wars. That’s a hell of a fucking gamble with other people’s lives, I must say. This is all based on the preposterous assumption that the rich and powerful won’t find a way to get their kids out of the draft. We’re talking about an administration filled with people form the top down who did just that to avoid service in Vietnam.

We instate a draft, Jenna and Babs will be not showing up for duty at the Texas Air National Guard, just like daddy. Joining the army isn’t the way to end the war. You do that by stopping the fighting. By bringing the troops home.

Anyone who thinks that reinstating the draft will take the wind out of the Neocons’ sails is smoking crack. They haven’t let reality stop them yet, what makes you think they’re going to start with a draft? All that will do is give them the extra bodies to throw around without care that they’ve been wanting for the last year.

Christian Soldiers In Search Of a New Camp

Saturday, November 11th, 2006

Seems that the Evangelical children’s brainwashing camp “Kids on Fire,” featured in the documentary Jesus Camp will be closing.

Fisher’s camp—located in Devil’s Lake, North Dakota—has been the subject of much attention since the film’s release, with many critics and moviegoers denouncing the camp’s methods as militant and inappropriate. Upon the film’s release, the Kids on Fire camp site and the local Assemblies of God church were both vandalized, with damages at the camp totaling $1,500. Says Fischer about her decision to close down her camp: “I have a responsibility to keep the children safe.”

It’s too bad about the vandalism but I can’t say I’m sorry to hear about such a foul place shutting down. The poor Dominionists are left with just Church, Sunday School, Summer Bible Class, popular movies and the Left Behind Video Game to turn their children into Christian Terrorists.

Good News Everyone!

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

Congrats to everyone who had the fortune to live in a state where the vote did matter (especially you folks in Pennsylvania for kicking out Santorum and making his children cry.* Good show!).

and how about Rummy Resigning? Rule number one when chumming the political waters: eventually, you’ll have to feed the shark. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.

On a final note, enough with the emails! I get it, I’m a slacker and a no good, dirty malcontent for not voting. Sue me. But when the choices are to either A) take a nice big bite out of a shit sandwich or B) Go Hungry, I’ll let the tummy rumble.

Someone At The Heritage Foundation has His Head Up His Ass, Or: Business as Usual

Monday, October 16th, 2006

A surprisingly wrong headed op-ed from the New York Times was the hot subject of the Comics scholars listserv today. I thought I’d share it and my commentary, with the class:

New York Times October 11, 2006
Op-Ed Contributor
No Undergrad Left Behind
By EUGENE HICKOK
Richmond, Va.
LIKE it or not, the No Child Left Behind Act passed under President Bush has transformed the conversation about American public education.

Already, we’re off to a roaring start. Suck it you liberal whiners! It’s the law!

The law has its flaws, but the nation has benefited from its focus on results and its willingness to confront gaps in educational achievement.

Not that he’s going to give us any statistics or hard evidence for this but hey it’s an op ed, so he’s free to just throw his opinions into the ether. It’s a sweet gig, paid for by the NYT, no less. Wonder how I could get my biased and completely obtuse opinions on the internet…

Now the administration has extended the discussion into what has long been considered sacred ground in Washington politics: higher education. Recent studies have highlighted higher education’s skyrocketing costs, uneven quality and poor graduation rates. Even more disturbing are reports that reading competency and comprehension are declining among college graduates — as if there should be any question about the reading skills of people with college degrees. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings has addressed these and other concerns by embracing reforms that could strengthen higher education and improve access and opportunities for America’s students. Among her commission’s recommendations are heightening fiscal and academic accountability, improving access to financial aid and assembling accurate data on the performance of students and institutions. While no one seems to be saying that No Child Left Behind policies should be applied to the country’s colleges and universities…

Until now.

… it does make sense to consider how some of the program’s underlying principles might help to ensure that higher education in America remains higher education. A college degree provides Americans with a competitive edge on the job market. But what is coming under increasing scrutiny is whether a college degree is truly proof of a college education. It is time for colleges to develop accurate measures of student achievement, and of the value institutions of higher education provide. The Intercollegiate Studies Institute recently released a report from the National Civics Literacy Board, on which I serve, showing what sort of information the public needs and why it is so important that it be available. The study tracked student knowledge of American history and civics at select colleges and universities, with the goal of determining how much students learn in these subjects over four years of college. They measured the change in knowledge by evaluating freshmen and seniors. And the results were appalling: college seniors failed the civic literacy assessment with an average score of 53.2 percent.

How this is the fault of colleges is beyond me. Basic literacy (civic or otherwise) is taught in grade school, you know, where NCLB and its glorious effects are in full swing.

This sort of information is important for tuition payers, policy makers and institutional leaders to have when trying to determine the difference a college education can make. Institutions of higher education need to report an academic bottom line. While they’re at it, colleges and universities must make it a priority that their students graduate. While most tuition payers assume a baccalaureate degree takes four years to complete, the truth is it takes typically more than six years. In 2003, only 34 percent of graduating students had completed their degree in four years or less. There are reasons for this, some of them understandable. But in far too many institutions, the emphasis is on enrolling students, not on graduating them. And far too often, that includes enrolling students who are not adequately prepared for higher education, and who therefore drop out after one or two semesters of struggling, or else spend most of their time in remedial or developmental courses that are not really college-level. Behind the impressive numbers of low-income and minority students enrolled in higher education are grim statistics regarding completion for a degree.

Nice. You college kids these days can’t read and if you can’t read good, you won’t graduate! So let me attach that idea to, ” the impressive numbers of low-income and minority students enrolled in higher education” and see if I can’t subliminally point to what we here at the Heritage Foundation thinks is the real problem, all you minority kids dragging the poor white kids down. It takes years of higher education, fed through the GOP spin machine to be able to throw a nice conservative curve ball like that out there.

Americans should have more information about higher education curriculum and teaching. Higher education in this country differs substantially from elementary and high school education, most obviously in what is offered and how it is offered. The academy responds to the demands of disciplines and faculty. It is a culture that cherishes independence and freedom. And it is a culture seriously out of touch with much of America.

Faculty members decide what they want to teach and when they want to teach, if, indeed, they teach at all. This is particularly true regarding undergraduate instruction, which is something of an afterthought on many campuses. Faculty members typically spend fewer than 200 hours a year in the classroom. That amounts to just five 40-hour weeks.

Right there in the emphasized line is where Eugene leaves planet Earth entirely. He was in a low degraded orbit before, but now he’s headed for the Moon. Faculty members don’t just scribble ideas for a curriculum on the back of some strip club napkin as Eugene dreams they do. All courses have requirements based on accreditation and all courses have to be approved by the board of trustees, at least at colleges here on planet Earth. Maybe things work differently at Mars U, which is obviously where Mr. Hickok went to school.

Take a look at what passes for subjects of scholarly and instructional focus on campuses. Should taxpayer dollars really go to underwrite courses in such things as the history of comic book art? Policy makers and tuition payers need to be made aware of what sorts of courses institutions consider appropriate to fulfill core academic requirements, if anything resembling an academic core even exists. And there needs to be a greater emphasis on teaching students what they need to know, rather than what faculty want to talk about.

Ah, now he’s hitting me at home. I have a four year, accredited degree in Sequential Art. That’s right, my undergrad was in Comic Books, both the history of them and how to make them. And cultural studies apparently have no place in Mr. Hickok’s dream University. All the students at Mars U read Sophocles in the original Latin and they like it that way! Never mind that I went on to get a MLS and now catalog comics as a librarian for one of the largest art schools in the Southeast. Good to know my professors wasted their time and education and that my career is an aberration in the eyes of… the Heritage Foundation. Speaking of wasted educations…

One of No Child Left Behind’s hallmarks is transparency. Today parents know more about the performance of their children’s schools than ever before.

Transparency and performance, like a hamster wheel.

This same principle needs to be applied to higher education. Colleges and universities need to be able to explain why they charge the tuition they charge, what their graduation rates are, what they feel constitutes an educated person and how they propose to get first year students from here to there. The various college rating systems and publications are entertaining and interesting to read, but they don’t provide the sort of objective data tuition payers need to make informed decisions.

For generations, a college education has been a big part of the American dream. Much of the world has come to America to get a higher education. But nothing guarantees that this will be the case in the future. Indeed, for more and more American citizens, that dream is coming into question. It is time for serious reflection and reform in higher education — before it is too late.

Perhaps if the ever-present fear of having our jobs shipped overseas where some Indian or Chinese Grad student will do it for a quarter of the wages were taken out of the equation, that four year degree might mean a hell of a lot more.

Eugene Hickok, a fellow at the Heritage Foundation, was a deputy secretary of education during President Bush’s first term.

Emphasis added, which explains everything.

Making It Up As You Go Along

Monday, October 9th, 2006

The revised Player’s Guide to the Catholic Church is about to be released and there are a few changes to the Doctrine of the Faith that old Pope Rat has seen fit to make. Most noteworthy is the abolition of Limbo, which has many die hard players up in arms.

“I have sent countless souls to limbo!” exclaimed one adamant young player named Adolf, “Now where are they going to go?”

“what’s next?” asked a skeptical Bishop, “Reduce Vampire hitpoints from holy water?”

While the Pope acknowledged that some of the revised rules are controversial, he has stated publicly that it is all simply to make game play more streamlined and easier for new players to pick up the rules quicker, “It’s hard to attract new players to a system that is so outdated. All the other religions have already switched over to the 20d system, for Christ’s sake! All I’, doing is modernizing the Church’s rules a bit while keeping the same flavor of play that our fans have come to expect.”

No news yet on whether or not the rules restricting use of altar boys to seventh level clerics and above will stay the same.

seriously though, if the Pope can just change the rules of theology, just because they are unpopular and no one believes them anymore, than maybe we can really streamline this whole religion thing down to just the bare bones, maybe a few deacons in casual wear offering pamphlets with a few words of generic advice and a stern foot rub.

Why stop with Limbo? After all, most Catholics hardly take the Pope seriously anymore and it’s been decades since anyone has mentioned the whole Infallibility thing, so maybe it’s time to retire the funny hat as well.

Robert Anton Wilson Update

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

Via Boing Boing:

Dear Friends, my God, what can I say. I am dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and totally stunned by the charity and compassion that has poured in here the last three days.

To steal from Jack Benny, “I do not deserve this, but I also have severe leg problems and I don’t deserve them either.”

Because he was a kind man as well as a funny one, Benny was beloved. I find it hard to believe that I am equally beloved and especially that I deserve such love.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, know that my love is with you.

You have all reminded me that despite George W. Bush and all his cohorts, there is still a lot of beautiful kindness in the world.

Blessings.

Robert Anton Wilson