To the Kind Reader who signed me up to the National Council of Churches Newsletter: I understand that not everyone who goes to church is a twitterpated bigot. I’ve known that for quite some time. And while Liberal Christians aren’t quite as mythical as Unicorns (or Jesus) you certainly aren’t going out of their way to get noticed. Oh but Al Sharpton was on the Daily Show a few years back! Yeah. And Pat Robertson has his own freakin channel.
Look, liberal Christians, the scary truth you aren’t admitting to yourselfâ€” wait, scratch thatâ€” one of the scary truths you aren’t admitting to yourself, is that the rise to power of the Chowder-headed, drooling Fundy is your own God Damned fault. They’re your people. They go to your church, or the one on the next block. They sit at your Good Friday Pancake Suppers and Fourth of July cookouts and jabber on about how Bill O’Reilly makes some sense and you say nothing. You do nothing. You’ve sat there for the last six years, meekly pointing at Uncle Pat as he wipes his mouth on the tablecloth, insults my wife’s heritage and sugests an after dinner “Turkey Shoot” and quietly mouth, “I’m not with him!” Then you get in his car and let him drive you home.
Both Liberal Christians and the kill ’em all Christians in the GOP are from the same family. You both believe in myths that aren’t even remotely true. Only they actually believe in them all the time while you only pretend to believe in them for an hour every Sunday and two hours on Christmas Eve. They spout off about the Rapture and End Of Days and them Dern Mexicans and you look at us Secular Humanists and expect us to correct their lunatic behavior and call them on their bad theology and antediluvian social habits. You want me to be the bad guy, so you won’t have to deal with the uncomfortable silences and awkward coffee socials.
Well, tough shit. That Racist Douche Bag with the Christian fish magnet on the back of his SUV is your Crazy Uncle, not mine. If you want Atheists to respect your beliefs, you should have taken care of your family shit at home, before it got messy in public.
Now, to the person who signed me up to the newsletter. You could have started a dialogue in comments. You could have sent me an email. But instead, you took the same passive-agressive route that’s caused this whole mess in the first place, which is cowardly and lame.