NFL to Rush: Do Not Want

It amuses me to no end that the NFL, a bunch of rich white men who buy and trade strapping black athletes for fun and profit, do not want to let Rush Limbaugh into their little club because he’s too much of a racist.

Also amusing: the call by some conservative bloggers to boycott the NFL. Yeah. Let me know how that goes for you. As Elvira put it, Football is the one true American religion. You can take away their Jesus, but don’t mess with the Superbowl.

This Can Only End Well

PZ Myers alerts us to a new mission of sorts for those wacky kids over at Conservapedia*:

The Bible is suffused with liberal bias. A lot of the Old Testament isn’t bad, but the New Testament, when Jesus makes the scene, suddenly takes a turn into commie-land, with it’s talk of helping the poor and camels and needles and so forth. Jesus was obviously misquoted all over the place.

So what to do? When your claim of godly authority rests on your interpretation of God’s holy word, but God’s holy words contradict your desired ends, you’re in a bit of a pickle. There is a solution, though: rewrite the Bible and change the liberal bits! For this reason some of the deranged editors at Conservapædia** have launched The Conservative Bible Project, which will purge the wimpy stuff and return it to it’s authentic roots, as a book that could have been written by a dumb-as-a-stick American Republican NRA member who wants to kill communists and A-rabs.

Meanwhile, the sadlynaughts provide us a detailed lists of changes the Conservative Bible Project will make.

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

As Brad at Sadly No! points out, there’s absolutely no contradiction whatsoever in wanting to simultaneously simplify the language of the Bible (no. 10) while preserving it’s robust philosophical and poetical content (no. 3). None at all. The whole thing is gorgeous, but that little bit is just breath taking. I also love the idea of re-wording Jesus’ parables to remove the wuss factor and flaming socialism. “suffer the little children” becomes a hymn to the glories of sweatshop labor while “the meek shall inherit the Earth” becomes a polemic against the Death Tax. They’ll have to add something in there about the masculine joy of shooting guns in the woods with your buddies and a lengthy explanation of how loving Jesus is totally not gay.

I’ve noticed an interesting trend of late among Right Wingers: attempting to imitate the surface detail of intellectualism while undermining it completely. It’s like they want to destroy the very notion of an ivory tower by building an even bigger one out of total bullshit and then hiring some passing dimwit to paint it white. This is the only explanation I can think of for Bob Jones University or the promotion of Ayn Rand as the bulwark of Conservative Philosophy.

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* Conservapedia: it’s like Wikipedia, but without all that stringent fact checking.

**PZ uses the alternate spelling Conservapædia to avoid troll spam from Conservapedia, who in the past have wrecked his forums with racist and insulting language directed both at commentors and at Myers himself. They’re a fun gang of primates.

How Exactly Does One Have a Bloodless Military Coup?

That’s just one of the mysteries of this NewsMax article by John L. Perry, outlining the wingnut wet dream of taking care of “the Obama Problem” with a military coup.

For those just joining us from their summer hibernation in a cave, “the Obama Problem” is that he’s black. This is never fully spelled out, not that it needs to be. There’s the usual rhetorical questions of what could instigate such a drastic action, but they are nothing more than concern trolling about loose nukes over Israel and Obama’s secret Muslim/Marxist agenda. The usual Right Wing projection of wishful thinking. “Don’t make me start a ‘bloodless’ coup!” they’re shouting, hoping that you will give them the thinnest excuse to take off their belt. And hay, if some patriot gets carried away and this peaceful military intervention (marines with feather dusters instead of M-16s?) turns chaotic and bloody, well, the tree of liberty, bloody fertilizer, etc., etc.

These would-be Red Dawn re-enactors had no problem with our failed wars and reckless foreign policy when the Boy King was in the hot seat but now that we have this problematic negro in command of our troops, well, there’s a BIG problem there. That Obama is doing decent work on our foreign policy is so far beside the point, it might as well be waving at it from the window of a passing car in the other lane, going the opposite direction.

My favorite part though, is this assertion:

Officers swear to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” Unlike enlisted personnel, they do not swear to “obey the orders of the president of the United States.”

Well yeah, actually they kinda do. You see, the President is the Commander in Chief. Failure to obey his orders leads to a court martial at best and a short walk and a quick drop at worst. Attempting to overthrow the democratically elected leader of the country through military force would constitute treason. And I mean actual treason, not Liberal “treason” in the form of inconvenient facts as a counter argument against Right Wing fever dreams. Suggesting that we do so is sedition.

What is not a mystery though, is why NewsMax took down this little screed (as if anything can be hidden for long on the internet). One can only hope it was at the request of the Secret Service, who may have a few questions for Mr. Perry.

I know I Am But What Are You?

So, the aide to Rep Coburn (R- Flatland) stands up in front of a group of yahoos at the Values Voter Summit (a sort of swap meet for creationists and Birthers) and tells them that, “All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

The argument, as near as I can translate it from crazy talk, is that porn makes you feel all tingly in your naughty parts and then you touch yourself and since it’s you touching the same sex (being yo) your gay! Hay, presto. I’ll just let Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz tell it:

Schwartz then explained the side benefit of this finding—that if boys know pornography will make them gay, they’ll never touch it, taking advantage of what Schwartz sees as a natural homophobia. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy?” he said. “I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!”

Let that little knot of pretzel logic just unwind itself for a few moments. Because, for those of us still clinging to a thin sliver of sanity, there’s only one way to read this statement: that Schwartz is living inside the most transparent of closets. How do we know his? Because he’s a Republican. They only get this vocal about their pet subjects when they get under their skin. Ranting about the pure and righteous homophobia of 11 year old boys is just him trying really, really hard to keep that closet door shut good and tight.

Come 2012, the Republican platform will consist soley of saying, “I know you are but what am I?!”over and over.

‘Scuse me While I Whip This Out

This has gotten way out of hand. The Birther nonsense was amusing at first, in a surrealist, after dinner game sort of a way. “The president is a secret Muslim from Kenya!” has Andre Breton’s fingerprints all over it. That he’s been dead for decades only makes it sweeter. The banal repetition though, that’s all late stage Dali, where he’s just scribbling his name on sheets of paper for future prints of future masterworks. Still in the vein, but it’s tapped out and clearly a gimmick done for the money.

But demanding to see the Presidential schlong? To verify that our President is cut like a good Christian? Except that Jews and Muslims like to take a little off the top as well, which would pretty much defeat the stated purpose of the Birther contingent. Unless their true purpose all along has been just naked, hot longing to see a Democrat’s penis. It’s been almost 12 years since they saw one last. Long enough for it to wander off into the mists of legend. Leave it to Republicans to get the scientific method when a black man’s tumescent member is involved. But the real question is, does Obama and Clinton share one mythical member? Is it stuffed and mounted, like Epicene Wildeblood‘s, passed down from one Democrat to another? Inquiring minds want to know! (Then they want to suck off a pistol).

This loops around on itself into Dadist territory, which is fine for the advanced connoisseurs of artistic lunacy like myself, but may scare some of the squares a bit. Freepers will turn heads among their own kind if they show up at a town hall with signs demanding to see Obama’s great throbbing penis in all it’s glory. You cannot look directly at the gods — not even their cocks — and survive. Especially their cocks. Aren’t you the ones lamenting the loss of the classics in our schools? Leida and the Swan, people! Leida and the fucking swan!

But go ahead. Show up to the next public forum and start shrieking about the President’s dingaling. carry a gun. Why the hell not? Wear a rubber pig mask and paint your chest green. That’s what a REAL American would do. But when the crowds wander off, shaking their heads in dismay and confusion, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

True art is not meant to be understood.

Save Us, Crystal Dragon Jesus, You’re Our Only Hope!

Remember V? The miniseries form back int he fabulous 80’s, where lizard people in prosthetic masks came to Earth, imitating Nazis so they could steal our water? Seems they’ve gotten a darker and edgier reboot. You can read a summary of the first episode over at io9:

Based on an early-1980s miniseries, “V” is about what happens when dozens of gigantic alien ships arrive on Earth, hovering over major cities. A beautiful woman alien called Anna, played by Morena “Firefly” Baccarin, broadcasts the visitors’ messages from an enormous screen built into the bodies of the ships. She assures the people of Earth that the aliens want only to harvest chemicals from our waste products, which she says are valuable to them. In exchange, they’ll share technology with humans – especially medical technology, which they’ll set up in thousands of free clinics across the globe.

The only ones who doubt the good intentions of these preternaturally beautiful aliens are DHS agent Erica Evans and Catholic priest Jack Landry (played by 4400 alum Joel Gretsch). Erica and her partner Dale (the excellent Alan Tudyk) immediately start investigating them, and Jack gives a cautionary speech to his congregation about how humans should wait to judge the aliens by their acts rather than their words.

The political undertones are wingnutteriffic. Media-savvy aliens promising a strawman version of universal healthcare (no doubt a cover for how they will cull humanity to serve as food) and the only people who can save us are a Catholic Priest and an Agent of the Department of Homeland Security. Fancy that. The power of Christ + the machismo of the Fatherland, come to save us all from the liberal-fascism of being eaten by socialists form outer space.

Next we’ll get an all new Thundercats movie (I hope it’s in 3D!) as an allegory on gun control with PETA as the villain. Wake me when something new comes on.

New Hampshire Legalizes Gay Marriage!

And for real, not like California’s implicit, we’ll-have-to-go-the-whole-way-eventually-but-not-today kinda way. New Hampshire did it right and just laid it all out there, joining such bastions of saniy and modern living as Ohio Iowa* and the Sims 3 game. That’s right, an RPG has better civil rights than 9/10 of the the USA. Welcome to the 21st century. It’s a lot stranger than we were promised.

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*As Noz pointed out in coments, I had the wrong agrarian state in the middle of nowhere. But I’m sure Ohio will come to their senses soon, too.

California Legalizes Gay Marriage!

As John Scalzi points out, the California Supreme court’s decision today, recognizing Prop 8 as legit, effectively legalized gay marriage. All Prop 8 does now is put a (temporary) cap on the number of gay marriages that the state can preform (18,000 as of last November). The wording of the ruling explicitly states that those married couples are recognized under the law. This means all Californians have to do is repeal prop 8’s discriminatory language and California joins other sane, civilized places like Canada and Ohio.

The Socialist Revolution Started 30 Years Ago, Apparently

From John Quiggin over at Crooked Timber comes this article about how at least 33% of Americans under 30 think Socialism is just dandy. Which is interesting for a number of reasons, very few of them having to do with Socialism as an ideology or political model.

Republicans and other Conservatives have spent the last 30 years decrying everything left of Genghis Khan to be “Socialism,” so there’s a hefty percent of the population who have grown up with this meme buzzing in the background. This was intended to associate Democrats and all non-conservatives as being in league with the evil Socialist Hegemony of the Soviet Block. But then, 20 years ago, they disappeared. But the rhetoric of Democratic reform = Socialism didn’t. With no concrete examples to rely on, this idea simmered in the back of our minds, free association style. Conservatives thought this was a great idea and ran with it, attaching the Socialist label to everything they didn’t like, which, after 20 years of rightward drift in their little subculture, now includes an awful lot of things that most Americans are pretty fond of, like sex, drugs and rock and roll. Also, affordable healthcare, a 40 hour work week and kittens.*

So, now here we are in 2009, with a large percentage of the under 30 population having been convinced that 1) the Capitalist GOP has screwed things up pretty badly and 2) the Socialist Dems are trying to fix things. The GOP tactic of associating Democrats with Socialism has backfired. Instead of making Democrats scary bogeymen, it’s made “Socialism” seem like a viable alternative.

Nevermind that this word you keep using doesn’t mean what you think it means. In the minds of most Americans, Socialism now encompasses Healthcare that, if not outright Universal, is at least affordable, a sensible foreign policy, more transparency in government and a transcontinental high speed rail network. Socialism in the US now means the opposite of the GOP’s brand of Capitalism, which led to a pointless war, the city of New Orleans being abandoned after a hurricane and a nearly bankrupt world economy. If your only alternative is an apocalyptic hellscape of Malthusian depredation, torture and the world slowly sinking into the sea while the rich and stupid sail away on their yachts, then yeah, Socialism starts to look pretty good.

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* Other things Conservatives think are Socialist: video games, beer, porn, Hollywood movies, TV shows that don’t star Keifer Sutherland, Hollywood the city, most of the rest of California, Jews, Muslims, academics, interracial couples, homosexuals who want to get married, New York City, salsa, spicy food, women who can read and think for themselves, doctors, scientists, telescopes (because they show a universe that is wide, beautiful and full of wonder without God), atheists, agnostics, people who wear blue jeans, rich people who aren’t assholes, an infrastructure built on the revenue collected from moderate taxation, poor people, minorities and convential grammar and spelling (serioulsy, check out some of the signs these nitwits were carrying during the recent Tea Parties. I’ve seen monkeys who could make more coherent signs, and they lack language!).

No Bye, No Aloha

These tough economic times are hard on everybody but there’s a special flavor of suck to loosing your paying job as a conservitive blogger to Joe the Plumber. And not Just Joe doing your job for half the pay but videos of him spouting off like the dumb red neck that the GOP has anointed as their Prom King as well. Combined with Sarah Palin as their Conservative Prom Queen and Michael “There are too black conservative!” Steele rounding out the honor court, the GOP is shaping up to be the government equivilent of a clown car. The next  few election cycles are going to be awesome.

Link via TBogg.